Narcissistic Abuse

What is Narcissistic Abuse?

Narcissistic abuse is a form of emotional and psychological manipulation that can happen in relationships with someone who has narcissistic traits or narcissistic personality disorder. It often follows recognisable patterns, which makes it easier to understand once you know what to look for.

Recognising a Narcissistic Personality

Someone with narcissistic traits often:

• Seeks constant admiration and validation
• Lacks empathy, struggling to understand your feelings
• Believes they are entitled to special treatment
• Focuses mostly on their own needs, showing egocentric behavior
• Appears charming at first, masking controlling or manipulative tendencies

Example: At the start, they may shower you with compliments and attention, making you feel like you’ve found your perfect partner.

The Beginning: Love Bombing

The relationship usually starts with love bombing: intense affection, attention, and praise. This is designed to create emotional dependence.

• Compliments and grand gestures
• Declaring you are “special” or “the one”
• Fast, intense connection to build trust

Key point: While it feels loving, it sets the stage for later manipulation.

The Cycle of Narcissistic Abuse

Once the love bombing fades, patterns of manipulation and control often emerge:

1. Devaluation and Criticism – Subtle digs or dismissive remarks gradually erode your confidence.
2. Rageful Outbursts – Explosions of anger often reflect their own insecurities or shame, not your actions.
3. Gaslighting – You may begin to doubt your perceptions and feel confused about reality.
4. Intermittent Reinforcement – After abuse, they may return to affection, creating a push-pull dynamic that keeps you emotionally invested.

Example: One moment they may praise you lavishly; the next, they may lash out over something minor.

Why This Happens

Narcissistic behaviors are often defense mechanisms designed to:

• Protect a fragile sense of self
• Avoid feelings of shame or inadequacy
• Control others to maintain perceived superiority

Remember: Their behaviour is about them, not you!

Breaking Free

Healing from narcissistic abuse starts with recognising the patterns – the love bombing, the devaluation, the rage cycles, and the emotional manipulation that keeps you off balance. From there, the work becomes about reclaiming clarity, boundaries, and your sense of self.

A crucial step in this process is learning to remove the rose-coloured glasses. This means gently but firmly letting go of the belief that you can love them into changing. No amount of trying harder, being quieter, being “better,” following their rules, or keeping the peace will fix their behaviour. Marrying them won’t change them. Having a baby-or another baby-won’t change them. Giving more of yourself will not heal them. Narcissistic patterns come from their own internal wounds, shame, and defenses, not from a lack of love or effort on your part. The aim is to mentally dismantle you – and eventually it works. You no longer recognise who you are, your identity engulfed in fear.

Once you stop hoping your love will transform them, you can begin to see the relationship for what it truly is – and start reclaiming your emotional freedom.

Healing then becomes about:

• Understanding what boundaries are: they are to protect your emotional space
• Seeking support through therapy, education, and community
• Validating your own reality and trusting your perceptions again
• Rebuilding your sense of worth, free from their control
• Discovering your new identity and remember you’ve got this!

Breaking free is not just leaving the relationship – it’s learning to live again without fear, confusion, or self-doubt.