Blame-Shifting, Jealousy & Accountability
Blame-Shifting
Definition:
Blame-shifting is when a person refuses to take responsibility for their actions and instead redirects fault onto someone else — often the victim. It protects their self-image and avoids accountability.
Explanation:
In narcissistic abuse, blame-shifting is used to confuse the victim, create self-doubt, and maintain control. Even when evidence is clear, the narcissistic individual reframes events so the other person feels responsible for their behaviour, anger, or consequences.
Example (case-style):
Sarah confronted her partner, Mark, after discovering messages he had sent to another woman. Instead of acknowledging what he’d done, Mark responded with anger: “If you weren’t so cold lately, I wouldn’t need to talk to anyone else.” Sarah walked away feeling guilty, questioning whether she really had caused his betrayal. This pattern left her carrying emotional responsibility for Mark’s choices.
Jealousy
Definition:
Jealousy in narcissistic abuse is an intense and irrational fear of losing control or attention. It’s not based on genuine care, but on possession, insecurity, and entitlement to the partner’s time, energy, or body.
Explanation:
This form of jealousy often shows up as monitoring behaviour, accusations without evidence, or attempts to restrict the victim’s independence. Their jealousy isn’t a sign of love — it’s a tool to isolate, dominate, and ensure the partner’s world revolves around them.
Example (case-style):
Whenever Emily spent time with friends, her partner Tom became hostile and suspicious. He demanded to
check her phone, insisting she must be hiding something. Emily eventually avoided social outings altogether to keep the peace. Tom framed it as concern, but it was about maintaining control over who Emily saw and what she did.
Inability to Handle Criticism
Definition:
This describes an extreme sensitivity to feedback, even when it’s gentle or constructive. Any comment that suggests imperfection feels like a personal attack.
Explanation:
Because narcissistic individuals rely on external validation to maintain their fragile self-image, criticism — real or imagined — triggers defensiveness, anger, or withdrawal. They may react with rage, denial, or counter-attacks to protect their ego.
Example (case-style):
When Daniel mentioned that the dinner was slightly overcooked, his partner Mia exploded: “You never appreciate anything I do! You’re impossible to please.” She then sulked for days. Daniel learned to avoid expressing even the smallest preferences, walking on eggshells to prevent emotional backlash.
Never Taking Accountability
Definition:
Never taking accountability refers to a persistent refusal to acknowledge one’s actions, decisions, or harmful behaviour — even when the evidence is undeniable.
Explanation:
In narcissistic abuse, accountability is threatening because it requires vulnerability and self-reflection. To avoid this, the person may deny events, minimise the impact, rewrite history, or insist that someone else caused the situation. This leaves the victim carrying emotional responsibility for things that were never theirs to own.
Example (case-style):
After shouting at Olivia during an argument, Liam later acted as though nothing had happened. When she gently brought it up, he replied: “I didn’t yell. You’re exaggerating again.” He then shifted the conversation to her “overreactions,” leaving Olivia feeling confused and doubting her own memory. Over time, she learned that no matter what happened, Liam would never acknowledge his behaviour.
Playing the Victim
Definition:
Playing the victim is when someone positions themselves as the one being harmed, mistreated, or misunderstood — even when they are the one causing the hurt.
Explanation:
This behaviour manipulates empathy and shifts emotional power. It can appear as self-pity, dramatic narratives about how “hard done by” they are, or emotional outbursts designed to derail legitimate concerns the victim raises. The goal is to silence the other person, avoid responsibility, and recast themselves as the one needing support and sympathy.
Example (case-style):
When Jade raised concerns about how her partner Ethan was isolating her from friends, he instantly became tearful and said: “I can’t believe you think I’m controlling. After everything I do for you, this is how you repay me?” Suddenly the focus shifted. Jade found herself comforting him, abandoning her own feelings in the process. Ethan consistently used victimhood to redirect blame and regain control of the conversation.
